I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
