My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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