im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
