i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
