...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
