I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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