sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
