Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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