I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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