oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
