my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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