I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize