dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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