At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize