Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
