I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
