she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
