They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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