Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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