I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
this will be a night to untag.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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