2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
