btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
