My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
