I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
