how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
