When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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