: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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