This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
