Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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