halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize