You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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