Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
