Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
