I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
