I'm passing your future prison.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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