I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
