if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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