I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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