I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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