Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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