Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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