Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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