hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
