also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
