My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
