i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
