It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
