First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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