Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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