I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
