Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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