if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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