as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
