I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
