I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
