just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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