I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
40s are totally the cure
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
