make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
