I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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