Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
