i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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